Gubment Jokes

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping.

Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

While travelling between towns, a salesman's car broke down so he began walking - hoping to get a ride into the next town.

Before he had walked very far, a farmer, driving a pickup truck, pulled over. As the salesman walked up to the truck, the farmer yelled "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"

The salesman yelled back "Republican". The farmer begain cussing profusely and tore away, leaving the salesman standing in his dust.

Soon, a big Caddy pulled over and the driver yelled "Republican or Democrat?"

"Republican!" The driver shot the salesman a big bird and sprayed the sailesman with gravel as burned back onto the road.

The salesman quickly deducted that Republicans were a rare and unwelcome breed in this area. Soon, a sporty convertible pulled up, driven by a beautiful Blonde.

"Republican or Democrat?", she purred.

"Democrat!" he answered.

"Let me give you a ride into town", she breathed. So, he hopped in and down the road they went. As they drove down the road, the salesman couldn't help noticing how high up her perfect legs her mini skirt had ridden, the way the wind was moving through her long hair, the tantalizing shape of her bosom.

"STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" he yelled.

The startled girl quickly pulled over to the side of the road and stopped.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"I'll say there's something wrong", he said. I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and I already want the fuck somebody!"

Bill Clinton is sitting next to a homely White House intern one day at a gathering. The President says to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval Office and see my clock?"

"No, Mr. President, I don't think so." She replies.

"Please?, I'd really like to show it to you." Persists the President.

"No, Mr President, I really can't."

"Oh, come on. Please come and see my clock. It'll only take a minute."

"Well, all right. If it won't take long."

The two of them go to the Oval office. The President sits down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick and says "See? Here's my clock."

The intern exclaims "That's not a clock, that's a cock!"

To which the president replies, "You put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President."

Clinton replies, "I'll have you know that these are genuine Arkansas razor-back hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one is for Hillary. So, what do you think?"

The honor guardsman answers, "Nice trade, sir."

Once upon a time, Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimoto were sitting around a table talking. Snow White said, "I must be the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world!"

Quasimoto said, "I must surely be the ugliest person in the world!"

Soon their egos got the best of them and the discussion degraded into an argument. Finally, Tom Thumb said, "Let's visit Merlin the Sorcerer. His magic powers can settle our disputes." So the trio walked to the cave of Merlin.

Snow White spoke first. "Mighty Merlin, can you tell me if I'm the fairest of them all?"

Merlin led her into his cave to consult his crystal ball. Soon Snow White appeared with a broad smile on her face. "I knew it!" she proclaimed. "I'm the fairest in all the world!"

Next, Tom Thumb said, "Merlin. Do you know if I'm the tiniest person in Creation?"

Again, Merlin led him into his cave to consult his crystal ball. A short time later Tom emerged with a beaming face. "Of course! I knew all the time I was the tiniest."
Finally, Quasimoto asked Merlin if he was the ugliest.

Merlin led him into the cave, dragging his lame leg and swaying under his hideous hump. After a while, he came out with a puzzled look on his face. "Hey, you guys" he asked, "Who the hell is Janet Reno?"

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

FBI Pizza Story

The following is a direct quotation from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; The author who introduces the story swears it’s true:

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don’t think so. --Click--

Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come to they realize they’re in the Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the Wizard. Quayle says, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain!” Gingrich says, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a heart!”

Clinton asks, “Where’s Dorothy?”

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, he sees “The President Must Die” written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is ticked. He storms into the Secret Service compound and yells, “There’s a death threat on the damned front lawn! And it’s written in urine! Sonofabitch had to be standing on the porch when he did it. Where the hell were you guys? I want to know who did it, and I want to know NOW.” The Secret Service agents scurry for the door.

That evening, the chief agent approaches Clinton and says, “Mr. President, we have some bad news and some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Clinton says, “Give me the bad news first.”

The agent says, “Sir, we tested a sample of the urine. The results just came back. The urine belongs to Al Gore.”

“Oh my god,” Clinton says. “I feel so ... betrayed! My own vice president! What's the really bad news?”

“Sir, the handwriting belongs to Hillary.”

Arkansas is very proud of Clinton--all these women coming forward and none of them are his sisters!

Q: What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?
A: I'll be home in 20 minutes dear!

Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that President Clinton wishes he had?
A: A dead girlfriend.

It seems apparent from her comments that Mr. Clinton has left a bad taste in Lewinsky’s mouth.

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. “What is it?” yells the President.
“It’s this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?” the aide asks.
“Just go ahead and pay it.” responds the President.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.

“I am the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

“No, you’re not,” answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

“I am the smallest person in the world,” shouted Tom Thumb.

“No, you’re not,” said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

“I’ve had more lovers than any person in the world,” announced Don Juan.

“No, you haven’t” replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming “I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.”

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: “I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees.”

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who the hell is Bill Clinton?”

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!

She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called The White House.

When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary started screaming: “Do you know what you did you lousy jerk?? You got me pregnant!”

The President remained silent. Again, Hillary shouted, "DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU FUCKIN' GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!”

Finally Bill answered “Excuse me, but just who is this?”

TOP 15 THINGS HEARD COMING FROM THE OVAL OFFICE
15. Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?
14. If this gets out, I'll be ruined.
13. If I can't get this out, I'll be ruined.
12. If I could convince Hillary to do that just once...
11. Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.
10. You took the job as a White House "in-turn" didn't you? Well, now it's your turn.
9. I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.
8. Somehow, I don't think that Alan Greenspan would explain inflation that way.
7. I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."
6. When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.
5. I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Socks sharpening her claws.
4. When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isn't exactly what I thought you meant.
3. Hmmm... "Maybe Chelsea's idea of a sorority slumber party at the White House is a good idea after all...."
2. Is this one of the Presidential duties that you said the Paula Jones trial would interfere with, Mr. President...
1. If you think that's 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced!

SURVEY SAYS:
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:
Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"

Back to Table of Contents · On to Darwin Award Winners