Dirty Johnny Jokes

A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day she brought in rolls of lifesavers of all flavors.

"Children," she announced, passing out the lifesavers, "I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these and then tell me what they are."

The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them the honey-flavored lifesavers, every one of the kids was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, Dirty Johnny nearly gagged and hollered, "Spit 'em out, guys! They're assholes!"

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do, which is making all the kids restless, since it is the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever is the first to correctly answer the question I ask, can leave early today."

Dirty Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get out of here. I'm smart, this will be a piece of cake."

The teacher asked, "Who said, Four score and seven years ago?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said, "That's right Susie, you can go."

Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered first!

The teacher then asked, "Who said, *I have a dream?"

Again, before Johnny could open his mouth, this time Mary said, "Martin Luther King."

The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny was even MADDER than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said, Ask not what your country can do for you?"

And again, before Johnny could open his mouth, this time Nancy said, "John Kennedy."

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you can go."

By this time, Johnny was BOILING MAD! Nancy answered first!

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher spun around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, can I go now?"

Dirty Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married. So Dirty Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

"Well," said Dirty Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?"

"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Dirty Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Dirty Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."

Dirty Johnny and his Dad are walking through the park one day and happen upon two dogs fucking.

Dirty Johnny asks his father "What are those two dogs doing Dad?"

Quite embarressed the father aswers "Uh, that dog hurt his leg and the other dog is helping him get home by carrying him on his back."

Dirty Johnny says "That's life for ya, you try to help out a friend and you end up getting fucked!"

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

His grandson says, "Grandpa, can I try some of your cigarette?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" grandpa asks.

"No," says little Johnny.

"Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.

"No," says little Johnny.

"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says little Johnny.

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

"Then go fuck yourself," says Johnny, "These are my cookies!"

Dirty Johnny walked into the kitchen and asked his mom, "Mommy, where do babies come from."
The mom replied, "Why, from storks, dear."
Johnny then looked puzzled and asked, "but who fucks the stork?"

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns!"

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left.

"None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

"Mum," says little Johnny, "Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night!"

"What do you mean?", asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about his big sister and her boyfriend.

"Well," says Johnny, "I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I saw them.

They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon's face started to go a bit funny. Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart. It took him a long time to find it and by this time he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt.

Then I saw what was making them sick. This big eel had got into Dave's jeans. I know it worried them because when it sprang out, Sharon collapsed back on the couch and said, 'Oh bloody hell, it's huge.' Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its head off but soon she made a noise and let it go.

It must have bitten her back. Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out of his pocket. I couldn't see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying to tie it up. They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight. Sharon got her legs round it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying to crush it. They were really getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff.

In the end, Dave gave his huge grunt and it all stopped. The eel was lying there when he rolled off. Sharon must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to bring her round. He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just when she'd started to mumble a bit, bugger me if that eel didn't stand up again. The eel didn't seem to have as much energy but it didn't half struggle and in the end Sharon did Dave's job. She sat on it and bounced up and down for about half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for breath and moaning and everything, Dave had to keep checking her heart but he couldn't remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both sides. It took ages but this time they really did kill the thing. I know that because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away."

Little Johnny can't sleep. So he gets up and enters his parents bedroom. It's not too late and his folks are caught in a very revealing and compromising position.

Johnny is shocked! "Daddy! Mommy! What's wrong! Are you okay," he asks hesitantly.

His father being the quick thinker that he is, stammers, "Uhm! Your mommy and I are, ummm, making you a baby brother or sister to play with. It takes a while and it looks funny but that's how it's done."

Little Johnny thinks for a while and nods in satisfaction. His dad is extremely pleased and sends him back to bed. A week later, Johnny is bawling his head off on the front porch.

"What's wrong Johnny?" asked his worried father.

"You know my baby brother you and mommy were making?"

"Yeah," his dad asks.

Little Johnny cries, "Well, while you were at work, mommy let the milkman in and he ate him."

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was teaching the alphabet. "Okay class, today I'm going to call out a letter. You have to stand up when I call on you, recite the letter and a word that begins with the letter. Ready? The first letter is 'A'!"

Little Johnny, of course, instantly raises his hand eagerly. The teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call on Johnny. He'll say 'asshole' or 'asswipe' or something like that!" So she calls on little Susie.

Susie stands up and says, "A. Apple."

"Very good Susie! Okay class, the next letter is 'C'."

Little Johnny again instantly raises his hand in earnest. Again, the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call Johnny. He'll say 'cocksucker' or 'cunt' or 'crap' or something like that." So she calls on little Bart.

Bart stands up and says, "C. Cat."

"Very good Bart!" Now the teacher starts thinking that if she doesn't come up with something for Johnny to answer with, she'll go bonkers. Hmmmmm, 'R' doesn't have anything too nasty? "Ok class, the next letter is 'R'."

Little Johnny hesitates and then raises his hand as high as he can. "Okay Johnny!"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "R. Rats."

"Very good Johnny! Ok..." Johnny blurts out, "BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS LONG!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand.

He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love!"

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet!"

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...."

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me."

"Well," said Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."

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