ISSUE 3 Mar. 7, 2004

Sports Illustrated gets a three-day suspension SHF News Feb. 25, 2004 BELPRE, OH - 12-year-old Justin Reyes was suspended from school for three days for bringing a Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition magazine to school. Fortunately for him, said Reyes in a private SHF News interview with Bobby Fletcher, school officials failed to locate the locked & loaded .380 in his backpack. "They was so obsessed with the fact that I had a magazine with photos uh half-nekkid women that they couldn't even see straight," said Reyes. Other items school officials failed to confiscate, according to Reyes: ¼ ounce of marijuana Three full magazines of ammunition for Reyes' .380 pistol Copy of "Shaved Snizz - Really Nasty Bitches Edition" Bottle containing four prescription-strength Viagra® pills, half a dozen Enzyte® pills and eight other pills marked only with the letters GHB Hand written list entitled "Bitches that are gonna bang me or die" A "seal" containing three rocks of crack cocaine Hardback book entitled "What to do when ya bitches need a beatin': How to get and keep your hos in line" by Old Dumb Bastard One large cucumber wrapped in aluminum foil Sixteen fart bombs Rubber face mask resembling Heidi Klum Photo of Reyes' pet Chihuahua wearing Heidi Klum face mask Photo from behind of Reyes' pet Chihuahua wearing Heidi Klum face mask 36 oz. tube of Astroglide® Small jar of Skippy® peanut butter Reyes' pet Chihuahua with a visibly stretched & irritated rectum "Why do you carry all that stuff to school?" asked Fletcher. "Yo, you gotta be prepared for anyting, right?" said Reyes. "Well, I's ready." "But a 36 oz. tube of Astroglide?" "Hey, it's thu smallest one dey had at Costco." "And your dog? Please don't tell me you're having sex with your dog." "Hey, I ain't gay or nuttin'. I's pitchin' every time so it's cool." Email this article to a friend ©Copyright 2004, SHF News

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