During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?" "Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!" The Top 11 Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then 11 Chastity belts require a password rather than a key. 10 Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay. 9 Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta." 8 The "Good Plague" hoax. 7 Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again. 6 The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone. 5 Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs. 4 Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut. 3 Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie. 2 Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI. Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then ... 1 The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving. What President Clinton is Teaching our Kids! Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son: What's up, Dad? Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car" correctly, that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car. Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday. You drove the car last night. No one else has driven the car since then. Can you explain the scratch? Son: Well, Dad, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. Dad: Your sister, Monica, told me she saw you back the car into the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car. Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way. Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car? Son: No. No, that is not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car ... the mailbox did...I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. Dad: Where did you learn to talk like such a fucking idiot? Son: From the President of the United States. Okay, you've been pulled over by the police. Want to impress the officer? Here is a small collection of lines that are guaranteed to go over well: 1. I'll get my license out but you'll have to hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Which one are you, Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary, bitch! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son... your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through its pecker. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions. Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to keep them in. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? There're usually intended for the children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock. Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy. Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white? So they can tell if they're coming or going. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet. Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus? It turns you're hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in. Wife: You wear briefs don't you? THE REVELATION The Pope dies and naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version fo the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'!" They left out the 'R'. God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be 'CELEBRATE'" Next Page SHF Archive Jokes

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