SHF News: Satire for the Sick and Twisted

ISSUE 3
Mar. 7, 2004

Wisconsin next to import low-cost Canadian drugs

Associated Press
Feb. 25, 2004

WASHINGTON - Wisconsin will begin providing its residents with access to Canadian Internet pharmacies today, Gov. Jim Doyle said Tuesday, even as federal regulators issued new warning to another state that has already done it.

Wisconsin will follow the model of Minnesota, which last month launched a Web site that links to information on two Canadian Internet pharmacies the state has certified as safe and reputable.

According to SHF research, Minnesota was following a similar model in use in Texas. It was entitled the "Affordable Hooker Clause" to fight the high costs of prostitution in Texas.

Texas department of labor spokesman, Wade Healesome, "importing whores from Mexico has provided our residents with a much needed commodity at a greatly reduced price."

"Hell yeah," says El Paso resident Hughey Stricken, "those little wetback whores are mighty fine with their big plump asses. An' since they only want two fiddy for a blowjob it's saving us Texans money. Money that can be better spent on booze ... and more hookers."

SHF News Investigative Reporter, Dick Birchum, couldn't believe what Stricken was saying so further reconnaissance was necessary.

"It would appear the Mexican labor is very affordable," wrote Birchum. "$2 for a handjob, $2.50 for a blowjob, $10 for straight sex with an additional charge of $7.50 for the 'chute."

"There were also a vast array of add on charges available," said Birchum.

Some of these extra services are a little racy, and some are just weird, but they include:

$25 "Donkey Punch" Penetrating the girl doggy style and then moments before you ejaculate, sticking your penis in her rectum, and then punching her in the back of the head causing her rectum to tighten up.
$15 "Hot Lunch" While receiving oral sex from the woman and you proceed to defecate on her chest. Similar to a Cleveland Steamer.
$15 "The Flying Camel" As she is lying on her back and you are penetrating her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.
$30 "The Dirty Sanchez" A time honored event in which while penetrating doggy-style, you insert your finger into the woman's rectum, pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, fecal moustache. This gives her the appearance of someone whose name would be Dirty Sanchez.
$35 "Chili Dog" You defecate on the girl's breasts and then proceed to penetrate between her breasts.

"Nuttin' makes you feel like a man like bangin' one of them señoritas and hittin' a Flying Camel just right," said a Texan who would only identify himself as "Cooter."

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