The Creed of the Sociopathic Obsessive Compulsive 1. If anything can go wrong, fix it. 2. When given a choice, take both! 3. Multiple projects lead to multiple successes. 4. Start at the top then work your way up. 5. Do it by the book -- but be the author! 6. When forced to compromise, ask for more. 7. If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them. 8. If it's worth doing, it's got to be done right now. 9. If you can't win, change the rules. 10. If you can't change the rules, ignore them. 11. Perfection is not optional. 12. When faced without a challenge, make one. 13. "No" simply means begin again at one level higher. 14. Don't walk when you can run. 15. Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary. 16. When in doubt, THINK! 17. Patience is a virtue, but persistence to the point of success is a blessing. 18. The squeaky wheel gets replaced. 19. The faster you move, the slower time passes, therefore the longer you live. Drivers - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York - One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston - One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy - One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male - One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male - One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female - Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado - One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate. - Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. - Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" (or could it be Marge Simpson?) - Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven through this lovely state can attest) Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then went to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over. Her story: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else? His story: Shitty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though. Bill Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the weapon-inspections in Iraq. As he sits down he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of the chair of Saddam. When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks, "What are the three buttons in your arm-rest?" "You'll see," replies Saddam. They start the talks, but after 10 minutes Saddam presses the first button, and WHACK -- a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face. Clinton grabs his nose, while Saddam is laughing himself silly. Clinton remains calm because he doesn't want this to affect the talks. After another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the second button and another boxing glove hits Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing. Clinton gets annoyed by now, but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the President. Saddam, choking from laughter, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands. A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees that Clinton presses the first button,and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing...really loud. After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quick, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad" So the President, through tears of laughter from the floor, says, "Baghdad? What Baghdad?" "Brussels police department, how may I assist you?" "Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie." "Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?" "No" "Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?" "Bill Gates" "Country?" "The USA" "Native language?" "English" "Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?" "Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie." "We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?" "Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie." "Have you visited the Prime Minister before?" "Yes" "Were you hit in the face with a pie then?" "No" "Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?" "Yes" "Any pies then?" "No" "Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait." "Just a minute.." "Did you get hit by another pie?" "Of course not" "Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. Little Johnny's father asked him, (Little Johnny, now aged 10), "Do you know about the birds and the bees?" "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!" Previous Page  •  Next Page SHF Archive Jokes

MAIN SPONSORS ADVERTISEMENTS