During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed." Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments." Andy hasn't been feeling well lately, so he goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Andy, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Andy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat a pound of spicy hot sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 25 walnuts, 25 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and then drink a gallon of prune juice." Andy asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" The doctor says, "No, but it will teach you what your ass is really for." Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you." It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry. Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth. Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new Madam." Hilary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history they, too, laughed at him. A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hey Bill, how's it going?" Someday, a long time from now, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World." "Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your Sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it dope-smoking because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it adultery because I didn't have full sexual relations. And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, so you can't call it bearing false witness because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury." With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares,"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it "Hell." You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it "eternity." And when you enter you don't have to 'abandon all hope,' just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year. Previous Page  •  Next Page SHF Archive Jokes

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