"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live." The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?" The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her." A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" "That's no ring! That's my Rolex." A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fasion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar up my ass." Do you know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts! B.S. That's what they would like you to believe, however this is what would have really happened: They would have been late getting started (It's tough to get your make-up so that it doesn't clash with the camel). Then one would have to go back to change clothes because her outfit was too similar to one of the other's. After a quick (6 hours) stop at the mall for the gift, they would have a huge fight about whether or not a Barney Sleeper fell into the category of swaddling clothes. Half way to the oasis the camel would have broken down (no one checked his water level). After finally arriving at Bethlehem (They had to stop and ask directions 12 times), they stopped at a beauty parlor to get their hair done (They couldn't see the baby looking like that). When they saw the stable they turned around and went back to a Howard Johnson's and got a room for everyone (There was no way they were going to stay in a dump like that). The feminine trio finally arrived back at the stable only to find that the new parents had left for Egypt. A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!" The truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!" A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound. Her husband was startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong honey?" she asked. He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!" Previous Page  •  Next Page SHF Archive Jokes

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