A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two candidates, Polly or Jack. It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would be the one to be let go. Polly came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The manager approached her and said, "Polly, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Polly replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache." An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her." He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud ... "Darling. Look at THIS!" "She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?" Fred was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Steve there clutching his hands between his legs. "What's wrong?", Fred said. "I've been hit by a bloody cricket ball!" said his friend. Just then Fred's wife, Karen came to the door and said "Quick come in here and I'll look after you". When Fred looked in the kitchen he saw his friend sitting on a dining chair, his wife had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton wool and water. "Christ!", thought Fred, "How do you feel?" he said. His friend turned and said "Fred, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!", then holding his finger in the air he said "But I still think I will lose the nail!" Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this-I'm a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!" In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks." "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room." "Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?" "Jesus, Son of Mary." "Where was he born?" "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!" Q. Why do sailors have tattoos on their backs? A. So their shipmates have something to read. Previous Page  •  Next Page SHF Archive Jokes

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