A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." There once was a gorgeous woman who went to the shoe store wearing a tiny leather mini-skirt and no panties. She spent hours trying on dozens of pairs of shoes, but she couldn't find anything she liked. The poor salesman was going crazy; running back and forth to the storeroom, while trying not to be too obvious about looking up her skirt. Finally, the salesman couldn't suppress his desire any more and told the lady "I'd love to fill your pussy full of ice cream, top it with a cherry, and eat every drop!" The lady was outraged. "My husband is a weight lifter, and I'm going to call him right now to kick your ass." She took out her cellular phone and called her husband. Her husband arrived demanding to know what was going on. She repeated what the salesman had said and told the husband to kick the salesman's ass. The husband considered the situation and said "Let me give you three reasons why I'm not going to kick his ass: Reason 1 You already have too many pairs of shoes. Reason 2 You shouldn't have been out in public with no panties on . Reason 3 I am not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much icecream. Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed a large billboard sign advertising free sex with a 15 gallon fill-up of gas. Thinking this sounded like too good of a deal to be true, they both decided to check it out and went into town and stopped at the gas station. They filled up their car with gas and went into pay. Before handing over the money, they asked the station manager about the free sex. "Well," said the manager, "it's not quite that simple. First you need to take a simple test and if you pass, you get the free sex. What you do is try and guess the number I am thinking of between One and Five." The men looked at each other and decided to try the number, Three. "Wrong," said the manager, the number I was thinking of was Two, but you can come back again and try to win." The Norwegian men left the gas station disappointed and drove away. While in their car, one looks over and says to the other, "Hey, Ole, I bet that manager cheated us. You know he could have said any number and how would we know if it was the right number?" His friend looked at him and replied, "No you're wrong, he didn't cheat us. My wife won four times just last week!" "How was your trip to New Jersey?" "Well, a mugger stopped me and said, 'Gimme your money, or I'll blow your brains out.' " "What did you do?" "I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away." "Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot?" "Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New Jersey, but you can't get along without money." The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS." Q. Why does it say TGIF on a Polish lady's bra? A. Instructions: Tits Go In First. Previous Page  •  Next Page SHF Archive Jokes

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