Mr Whitestone hired a new secretary who was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his "fly" was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Oh Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?" He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was wide open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no, Mr. Smith. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two little duffel bags!" A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room. There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere. "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL." Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: 29 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses 3 have been arrested for assault 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. This guy walks into a bar down in Kentucky and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? What the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!" Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs. Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!" Previous Page  •  Next Page SHF Archive Jokes

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