These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I shot him" said the guy. "Why?" "I caught him in bed with my board!" The teacher decided to give the class a pop quiz on this week's spelling words. "Now class, you are to spell the words, then use them in a sentence" said the teacher. "the three words are hotel, stigma, and homosexual." So dirty Johnny stands up and says "O.K. teach, I'll give it a shot. First word ... H-O-T-E-L The president asked Monica to keep their affair under wraps, but Linda Tripp made the ho tel." Teacher says "Uh, that's not the correct way to use that word. Try another one" Dirty Johnny says "alright teach, S-T-I-G-M-A The President said to Monica, "I want you to stig ma cigar in you know what." Teacher says "now Johnny, you spelled the word right, but didn't use it correctly!" "O.K. teach, how bout this...H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L...The President asked Monica not to wear any panties because he thought it made the ho mo sexual!" Pancho goes into a barber shop and sits down in the chair. The barber cuts his hair. After he gets done, Pancho gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back. Pancho hands him a twenty dollar bill and says, "Listen....it's none of my business, but why....why take a piss in the corner of your own barber shop." The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks. Do I care?" The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut and as he's coming back with Pancho's change he sees him taking a shit on the floor. The barber says, "What are you doing?" Pancho says, "Well hell, I'm leaving now." Q. How are women and chew alike? A. If it's yours you use two fingers, if it's your friend's you use three. Son: "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?" Father: "Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently." Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?" Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise." A group of nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!", he yelled. The eldest nun said to him "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!", he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'." So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!" Previous Page  •  Next Page SHF Archive Jokes

MAIN SPONSORS ADVERTISEMENTS